Please Lord Teach Us to Laugh Again
Village Translation Act iii, Scene ii
HAMLET and the PLAYERS enter.
HAMLET
Speak the spoken language, I pray you, every bit I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue. But if you oral fissure information technology, every bit many of our players exercise, I had every bit lief the town crier spoke my lines. Nor practise not saw the air too much with your paw thus, but use all gently, for in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) whirlwind of passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness. Oh, information technology offends me to the soul to hear a robustious periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings, who for the near function are capable of aught but inexplicable dumb-shows and dissonance. I would take such a fellow whipped for o'erdoing Termagant. Information technology out-Herods Herod. Pray you, avoid information technology.
HAMLET
Please repeat the speech only as I said it to y'all—smoothly and hands. If you exaggerate it in the way so many electric current actors do, I'd rather have the town crier say the lines. Don't make huge gestures with yours hands, like this. Gesture but a bit—because to truly communicate a whirlwind of passion, you must present information technology in a style that'south smooth and existent. Oh, I absolutely hate information technology when I hear some overexcited actor in a wig shout his "passionate" lines—splitting the audience's eardrums in an endeavour to impress the unsophisticated watchers standing just in front of the phase , who for the most function can but appreciate loud noises and pantomime shows. I would whip a guy for overdoing the part of a tyrant . That's worse than those erstwhile plays in which King Herod ranted. Delight, don't practise that.
FIRST Player
I warrant your honor.
FIRST Player
I'll do as you ask.
Hamlet
Be not likewise tame neither, but let your own discretion be your tutor. Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special observance that y'all o'erstep not the modesty of nature. For anything so overdone is from the purpose of playing, whose stop, both at the offset and at present, was and is to hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature, to show virtue her own feature, scorn her own image, and the very age and body of the time his grade and force per unit area. Now this overdone or come tardy off, though it brand the unskillful laugh, cannot just make the judicious grieve, the censure of the which one must in your allowance o'erweigh a whole theatre of others . Oh, there be players that I have seen play and heard others praise (and that highly), non to speak it profanely, that, neither having thursday' accent of Christians nor the gait of Christian, pagan, nor human, have and then strutted and bellowed that I have idea some of nature'due south journeymen had made men and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably.
HAMLET
Don't exist too tame, either. Instead, let your judgment guide you. Fit the action to the word and the word to the action. And never overact in a way that seems unnatural. Exaggerated overacting is the contrary of what interim should be. The purpose of acting—both when it began and until now—is to hold a mirror up to nature, virtue, vice, and to the spirit of the times. If you overact or take bad timing, it may make the unknowledgeable laugh, merely will make those who know theater grieve. And you lot should care more about a single knowledgeable theater-lover than an entire theater of the uninformed. I've seen actors perform who are highly praised by others, only who—not to be rude—tin can't perform a credible Christian, pagan, or even a human being. They strut around and bellow like beasts that had been made by some apprentice to God—they imitate men, but extremely badly.
FIRST PLAYER
I hope we have reformed that indifferently with united states, sir.
FIRST Player
I hope we've removed that fault almost entirely from our acting visitor, sir.
Village
O, reform it birthday! And allow those that play your clowns speak no more than is gear up downwardly for them, for there be of them that will themselves express joy to attack some quantity of barren spectators to express mirth too, though in the concurrently some necessary question of the play be then to exist considered. That'due south villainous, and shows a most lamentable ambition in the fool that uses it. Become, make you lot ready.
HAMLET
Oh, get rid of it completely. And make sure that the clowns speak exactly the lines written for them —considering some of them volition express joy in society to to get some stupid spectators to laugh, while in the meantime an important role of the plot is then unfolding. That's villainous, and displays a pitiful ambition in the offending fool to get noticed at the expense of the play. Go, get ready.
POLONIUS, GUILDENSTERN, and ROSENCRANTZ enter.
HAMLET
How at present, my lord! Will the king hear this piece of work?
HAMLET
What'south the news, my lord? Will the rex come to see the functioning?
POLONIUS
And the queen too, and that presently.
POLONIUS
Yeah, and the queen too, and soon.
HAMLET
Bid the players make haste.
Hamlet
Tell the actors to hurry.
HAMLET
Will yous 2 aid to hasten them?
HAMLET
Will yous ii help to speed the actors along?
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN leave.
HORATIO
Here, sweet lord, at your service.
HORATIO
My dearest lord, here I am at your service.
HAMLET
Horatio, yard fine art e'en as just a homo As e'er my conversation coped withal.
Village
Horatio, you are as much what a man should be as any I have ever met.
Village
Nay, do not recall I flatter. For what advocacy may I promise from thee That no revenue hast but thy adept spirits, To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flattered? No, let the candied natural language lick absurd pomp, And cheat the pregnant hinges of the human knee Where thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear? Since my dearest soul was mistress of her choice And could of men distinguish, her election Hath sealed thee for herself, for thou hast been— As ane in suffering all that suffers naught— A homo that Fortune'south buffets and rewards Hast ta'en with equal cheers. And blessed are those Whose blood and judgment are and then well commingled, That they are not a pipe for Fortune'southward finger To sound what stop she please. Give me that human being That is not passion'south slave, and I will wearable him In my heart'due south core, ay, in my heart of middle, Every bit I do thee. —Something besides much of this.— There is a play tonight earlier the king. Ane scene of it comes near the circumstance Which I have told thee of my male parent's death. I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot, Even with the very comment of thy soul Detect mine uncle. If his occulted guilt Practise not itself unkennel in one speech, Information technology is a damnèd ghost that we accept seen, And my imaginations are every bit foul Every bit Vulcan's stithy. Give him heedful note. For I mine eyes will rivet to his face up, And afterward we will both our judgments join In censure of his seeming.
Village
No, don't call back I'k flattering you. What could I promise to get from y'all, who has nada other than your expert graces to support you? Why would anyone flatter a poor person? No, just flatter the rich, or bow to those who might reply to your fawning with coin or favors. Do you understand me? Since I have the power and ability to distinguish between men, my soul has chosen you for a friend because you are—as ane who endures everything, and therefore allows zippo to make you lot suffer—a man who accepts all the twists and turns of fate, positive or negative, with the same at-home thankfulness. Blessed are those who have a perfect balance of passion and reason, considering they cannot be simply played by Fate whatever which way she chooses. Show me a man who is not a slave to his emotions, and I volition keep him close to my center—yeah, in my heart of hearts, as I exercise you. But I've said too much. A play will be performed tonight in front end of the male monarch. One of the scenes in information technology comes close to showing the circumstances I told you lot about regarding my father'southward expiry. During that scene, please watch my uncle with all of your care and attention. If his hidden guilt is not revealed during the scene, then that ghost was a demon—and my ideas near my uncle were dirty and wrong. Scout him carefully, equally will I. Afterwards, we'll meet and come to a joint conclusion nigh whether or not he is guilty.
HORATIO
Well, my lord. If he steal cipher the whilst this play is playing, And 'scape detecting, I will pay the theft.
HORATIO
Very well, my lord. I'll watch him so closely that if he manages to steal anything and I don't notice it, I hope to pay the toll of the stolen particular.
A Danish march plays. Trumpets play. CLAUDIUS enters with GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and other lords attendant with CLAUDIUS 's guard carrying torches.
Village
They are coming to the play. I must be idle. Become you a place.
Hamlet
They're coming. I must look like I'm doing nothing. Observe a seat.
CLAUDIUS
How fares our cousin Village?
CLAUDIUS
How exercise you fare, my nephew Village?
Hamlet
Excellent, i' faith, of the chameleon's dish. I eat the air, promise-crammed. You lot cannot feed capons then.
HAMLET
First-class! In fact, I eat the air—full as it is of promise—just as chameleons do. That'southward no style to feed a craven.
CLAUDIUS
I have aught with this answer, Hamlet. These words are non mine.
CLAUDIUS
I don't know what you lot're saying, Village. These words don't respond my question.
HAMLET
No, nor mine at present.
[to POLONIUS] My lord, y'all played once i' th' university, you say?
Hamlet
No, nor mine.
[To POLONIUS] My lord, y'all were in plays during college, right?
POLONIUS
That did I, my lord, and was accounted a good histrion.
POLONIUS
That I was, my lord. And I was considered to be a good actor.
HAMLET
What did yous enact?
HAMLET
What role did you play?
POLONIUS
I did enact Julius Caesar. I was killed i' thursday' Capitol. Brutus killed me.
POLONIUS
I played Julius Caesar. I was killed in the Capitol. Brutus killed me.
Village
It was a creature part of him to kill so uppercase a calf there.—Be the players ready?
Hamlet
That was hardhearted of him to kill then uppercase a human. Are the actors ready?
ROSENCRANTZ
Ay, my lord. They stay upon your patience.
ROSENCRANTZ
Yeah, my lord. They look only for you to call them.
GERTRUDE
Come hither, my love Hamlet, sit down by me.
GERTRUDE
Come hither, my dear Hamlet. Sit by me.
HAMLET
No, skilful mother. Here's metal more than attractive. [sits side by side to OPHELIA]
HAMLET
No thanks, my skillful mother. Here'due south something more than attractive. [He sits down near OPHELIA]
POLONIUS
[to CLAUDIUS] Oh, ho, do you lot mark that?
POLONIUS
[To CLAUDIUS] Aha! Did you lot hear that?
Village
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Hamlet
My lady, should I lie in your lap?
Hamlet
I mean, my head upon your lap?
Village
I mean, put my head in your lap?
Village
Practise you think I meant country matters?
HAMLET
Did yous think I was talking about sex?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
Village
That's a off-white thought to prevarication between maids' legs.
HAMLET
That's a nice idea to lie between a girl'southward legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
OPHELIA
You lot are merry, my lord.
OPHELIA
You're happy this evening, my lord.
Hamlet
O God, your only jig-maker. What should a human do just be merry? For, look you, how cheerfully my mother looks, and my male parent died within these 2 hours.
Hamlet
Oh, God—the ultimate puppeteer. What else tin can a man exercise merely be happy? For example, look how cheerful my mother is—and my father's been dead for just ii hours.
OPHELIA
Nay, 'tis twice two months, my lord.
OPHELIA
No, my lord, it's been 4 months.
Hamlet
So long? Nay then, permit the devil wear black, for I'll accept a accommodate of sables. O heavens! Die two months ago and not forgotten yet? Then there's hope a smashing human being'south retentivity may outlive his life half a yr. But, by 'r Lady, he must build churches then, or else shall he suffer not thinking on, with the hobby-horse, whose epitaph is "For, oh, for, oh, the hobby-horse is forgot."
HAMLET
That long? Well, and then may the devil vesture black mourning wearing apparel, while I get almost in a accommodate of fine fur. Heaven foreclose! He's been expressionless for two months already and hasn't been forgotten still? I estimate there's hope that memories of a corking man may outlive him past half dozen months. But, by God , he must build churches for that to happen, or else he'll accept to put up with being forgotten, like the hobby-horse in the popular song: "Hey-ho, hey-ho, the hobby-horse is forgotten."
Trumpets play. The pantomime begins. A king and queen enter and embrace each other lovingly. She kneels before him and makes a show of her devotion to him. He lifts her upwardly and rests his head on her neck, then lies downwardly on a bank of flowers. She sees he is comatose, and leaves. Soon some other homo enters, takes the crown off the sleeping king's head and kisses it, so pours poisonous substance in the king'south ear, and exits. The queen returns and finds the male monarch expressionless. She weeps passionately. The killer returns, along with three others, and pretends to grieve with the queen. The dead body is carried abroad. The killer woos the queen with gifts. For a while she is common cold and unwilling, just eventually accepts his advances.
OPHELIA
What means this, my lord?
OPHELIA
What does this mean, my lord?
HAMLET
Ally, this is miching mallecho. It means mischief.
HAMLET
This means nosotros're having some mischievous fun.
OPHELIA
Belike this show imports the argument of the play.
OPHELIA
This pantomime well-nigh likely gives a sense of the plot of the play.
The histrion who volition innovate the play enters.
Village
Nosotros shall know by this fellow. The players cannot keep counsel. They'll tell all.
HAMLET
We'll larn the truth from this boyfriend. Actors tin't keep secrets. They'll tell all.
OPHELIA
Will he tell us what this prove meant?
OPHELIA
Volition he tell united states what that pantomime meant?
Hamlet
Ay, or any bear witness that you will show him. Be not you ashamed to show, he'll not shame to tell you what it means.
HAMLET
Yes, or annihilation else yous show him. If yous're not aback to show information technology, he won't exist ashamed to tell you what information technology ways.
OPHELIA
Yous are naught, y'all are null. I'll mark the play.
OPHELIA
Yous're only naughty, naughty. I'm watching the play.
PROLOGUE
For us and for our tragedy, Hither stooping to your clemency, Nosotros beg your hearing patiently.
PROLOGUE
Highly-seasoned to your forgiving nature, we beg y'all patiently to picket united states perform our tragedy.
Village
Is this a prologue or the posy of a ring?
HAMLET
Was that a prologue or the inscription on a ring?
OPHELIA
'Tis brief, my lord.
OPHELIA
Information technology was short, my lord.
Village
As short every bit a woman's love.
Actors playing the roles of King and QUEEN enter.
PLAYER KING
Total xxx times hath Phoebus' cart gone circular Neptune'due south salt wash and Tellus' orbèd basis, And thirty dozen moons with borrowed sheen About the globe have times twelve thirties been, Since love our hearts and Hymen did our hands Unite complemental in near sacred bands.
Thespian KING
The earth circled the sun thirty times; and the moon has waxed and waned over the body of water; and the world for xxx times twelve months, since dear joined our hearts and Hymen joined our hands in the sacred bonds of matrimony.
Actor QUEEN
So many journeys may the sun and moon Brand us again count o'er ere love be done. Only woe is me! You lot are so sick of late, So far from cheer and from your former state, That I distrust yous. Yet though I distrust, Discomfort you lot, my lord, information technology nothing must. For women fright too much, even as they dear, And women'due south fear and love concord quantity, In neither aught, or in extremity. Now what my love is, proof hath made you know, And as my honey is sized, my fear is so: Where love is not bad, the littlest doubts are fear. Where little fears grow great, swell honey grows there.
PLAYER QUEEN
May we proceed to dearest each other for another thirty years. But I am sad. You've been so sick recently—so dissimilar from your former cheerful self—that I worry nearly you. But though I worry, don't allow it upset yous, my lord. Women in love are always afraid. For women, love and fear get hand in hand—whether or not there is reason to worry. I've proven the quality of my beloved. And equally my love is deep, so too is my fear. When someone'southward love is great, niggling worries go big. Petty fears grown big are a sign of great love.
Thespian Male monarch
Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly as well. My operant powers their functions go out to practise. And thousand shalt live in this fair earth backside, Honored, beloved, and haply one equally kind For husband shalt thou—
PLAYER KING
In truth, I will soon take to get out you, love. My body is growing weak, ceasing to part. I volition leave y'all backside in this beautiful world, my honorable beloved. Peradventure you'll observe another husband—
Player QUEEN
Oh, confound the residuum! Such dear must needs be treason in my breast. In 2nd married man let me be accursed! None wed the second but who killed the first.
PLAYER QUEEN
Oh, curse everyone else! Loving some other would exist treason in my centre. May I be cursed if I take a second husband. But a woman who killed her beginning husband would ally a 2d.
Hamlet
[aside] Wormwood, wormwood.
Hamlet
[To himself] That'due south bitter!
Thespian QUEEN
The instances that second spousal relationship motility Are base respects of thrift, just none of love. A 2d time I kill my married man dead When second married man kisses me in bed.
Actor QUEEN
The reasons for a second marriage might exist money, but never love. When my second married man kissed me in bed, information technology would exist like killing my first husband once more.
Histrion King
I do believe you think what now you speak, But what we do determine oft we break. Purpose is but the slave to retentiveness, Of violent nascency, simply poor validity, Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree, But fall, unshaken, when they mellow exist. Most necessary 'tis that we forget To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt. What to ourselves in passion we advise, The passion ending, doth the purpose lose. The violence of either grief or joy Their own enactures with themselves destroy. Where joy near revels, grief doth most lament. Grief joys, joy grieves on slender accident. This world is not for aye, nor 'tis non strange That even our loves should with our fortunes change. For 'tis a question left u.s.a. however to testify, Whether love lead fortune, or else fortune beloved. The dandy man down, you mark his favorite flies. The poor avant-garde makes friends of enemies. And hitherto doth love on fortune tend, For who not needs shall never lack a friend, And who in desire a hollow friend doth try, Direct seasons him his enemy. But, orderly to end where I begun, Our wills and fates practice so contrary run That our devices still are overthrown. Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own. So retrieve thou wilt no 2nd husband wed, Just die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.
Histrion Rex
I believe that's what you think now. But what we swear we'll exercise we frequently don't. Intentions are driven by memory. They are strong at beginning, but fade over time—like an unripe apple that sticks to the tree, but falls on its own to the ground when ripe. It'due south necessary for us to forget to meet the obligation we impose on ourselves. We forget to do what we promise to do in moments of passion once that passion fades. Grief or joy might spur us to action, but that call to action fades along with the grief or joy. Grief becomes joy, and joy turns to grief, based on lilliputian twists of fate. The world won't last forever, so it's not odd that even honey tin can alter as our fate changes. It remains an open up question whether love propels your fate, or your fate propels love. When the great man falls, he is deserted. When a poor man rises, enemies become friends. Love is similarly dependent on fortune. A person with coin volition never lack friends, while a friend who asks another for money will make that friend an enemy. Dorsum to the betoken on which I began: our desires and our fates will never match. So our plans never end up every bit we hope. What we want to happen, and what happens, will never be the aforementioned. So you think you'll never ally again, simply those thoughts will die when I do.
Thespian QUEEN
Nor world to me give nutrient, nor heaven light. Sport and repose lock from me day and night. To agony turn my trust and promise. An anchor's cheer in prison exist my scope. Each opposite that blanks the face of joy Meet what I would have well and it destroy. Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife If, once a widow, e'er I exist wife!
PLAYER QUEEN
May the earth give me no food and the sky no calorie-free; may I have no rest or leisure, day or nighttime; may my trust and hope plough to despair; may cheap prison food be all the comfort I can hope for; may all the forces that turn joy to sadness destroy all of my desires. For now and forever may I know no peace if, afterwards condign a widow, I ever again become a wife.
HAMLET
If she should intermission it now!
Hamlet
What if she breaks that vow?
Player Male monarch
'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, exit me here awhile. My spirits abound dull, and fain I would beguile The tedious day with sleep.
PLAYER KING
You swear sincerely. Sweetheart, leave me alone a while. I'chiliad getting sleepy, and I would similar to escape this tiresome twenty-four hours by going to sleep.
PLAYER QUEEN
Sleep rock thy brain, And never come mischance betwixt the states twain.
Player QUEEN
May you sleep well, and may no twist of fate ever come betwixt us.
Village
Madam, how similar you lot this play?
HAMLET
Madam, how do y'all like this play?
GERTRUDE
The lady protests besides much, methinks.
GERTRUDE
The lady's promising a chip much, I think.
Village
Oh, but she'll keep her discussion.
HAMLET
Oh, but she'll keep her word.
CLAUDIUS
Accept you lot heard the argument? Is there no offense in 't?
CLAUDIUS
Do you lot know the plot? Is there anything offensive in it?
HAMLET
No, no, they practice but jest. Poison in jest. No offense i' th' world.
Hamlet
No, no, it'due south merely pretend. Merely a picayune joke. Not offensive at all.
CLAUDIUS
What do you call the play?
CLAUDIUS
What's the title of the play?
Village
The Mousetrap. Marry, how? Tropically. This play is the image of a murder washed in Vienna. Gonzago is the knuckles's proper name, his wife Baptista. Y'all shall see anon. 'Tis a knavish piece of work, but what o' that? Your majesty and we that have free souls, information technology touches the states not. Let the galled jade wince, our withers are unwrung.
Village
The Mousetrap . Indeed, why? Information technology'due south a metaphor. This play re-enacts a murder committed in Vienna. Gonzago is the duke's proper name, and his wife is Baptista. Yous'll run into soon. It's actually a mischievous slice of piece of work, but who cares? Yous and I have clear consciences, then it doesn't business organisation united states. Allow the guilty flinch. We can watch without existence bothered.
Village
This is one Lucianus, nephew to the king.
HAMLET
This is Lucianus, the king's nephew.
OPHELIA
You are as good equally a chorus, my lord.
OPHELIA
Y'all're as skilful equally a play-by-play announcer, my lord.
Hamlet
I could interpret betwixt you and your love, if I could run into the puppets dallying.
Village
I could do a play-by-play betwixt you and your lover, if you put on a little puppet show for me.
OPHELIA
Y'all are keen, my lord, you are bully.
OPHELIA
Yous are witty, my lord, and sharp.
Village
Information technology would cost yous a groaning to take off mine border.
Village
Y'all could take my edge off, but doing information technology might brand you lot moan.
OPHELIA
Still better and worse.
OPHELIA
Your jokes get better, even as your manners get worse.
Hamlet
And then you must take your husbands.—Begin, murderer. Pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin. Come, "The husky raven doth bellow for revenge—"
HAMLET
"For amend, for worse"—that'southward the vow you accept when you take a married man.
[To LUCIANUS] Get moving, murderer! Curses, finish making those stupid faces and begin. Come on, we're all waiting for the revenge!
LUCIANUS
Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing, Amalgamated flavor, else no creature seeing, Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds nerveless, With Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected, Thy natural magic and dire holding On wholesome life usurp immediately. [pours poison into Histrion Male monarch 'southward ears]
LUCIANUS
Evil thoughts, willing hands, the perfect poisonous substance, and the opportunity to act. The darkness of the nighttime protects me: no one tin can run across me. Y'all foul mixture of deadly weeds, which Hecate has cursed and infected, use your deadly properties to steal away health and life. [He pours the poison into the Role player Rex 'south ears]
Village
He poisons him i' th' garden for 's estate. His name'south Gonzago. The story is extant, and writ in pick Italian. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the honey of Gonzago's married woman.
Village
He poisons the male monarch in the garden to get the kingdom. The king's proper noun is Gonzago. The original story was written in Italian. You'll see soon how the murderer wins the love of Gonzago'southward wife.
OPHELIA
The king is standing upwardly.
Hamlet
What, frighted with false fire?
Village
What—is he scared of a gun firing a blank?
GERTRUDE
How fares my lord?
GERTRUDE
My lord, how are you feeling?
POLONIUS
Give o'er the play.
CLAUDIUS
Give me some low-cal, abroad!
CLAUDIUS
Turn on the lights. I'm leaving!
POLONIUS
Lights, lights, lights!
POLONIUS
Lights, lights, lights!
Everyone except Village and HORATIO exits.
HAMLET
Why, let the stricken deer go weep, The hart ungallèd play. For some must lookout man while some must sleep. So runs the world away. Would non this, sir, and a forest of feathers—if the rest of my fortunes turn Turk with me—with two Provincial roses on my razed shoes, get me a fellowship in a weep of players?
HAMLET
[Reciting like an actor] Allow the deer that'south been shot go weep lonely, while the uninjured deer plays. For some must watch while others must sleep—that's the mode of the world.
[To HORATIO] Don't yous think that with my interim skill—if I wore some plumes of feathers and had decorative flowers on my shoes—I could become a job in a troupe of actors, if things went wrong in the rest of my life?
HORATIO
They'd probably give you one-half a share of the company.
Village
A whole one, I. For thou dost know, O Damon dear, This realm dismantled was Of Jove himself. And now reigns hither A very, very—pajock.
Hamlet
A whole share for me. [Reciting like an player] For you know, my dearest Damon, that this kingdom lost Its Jove-like male monarch. And now who rules? A big, large—peacock.
HORATIO
You lot might have rhymed.
HORATIO
You could accept at least rhymed.
HAMLET
O adept Horatio, I'll take the ghost's give-and-take for a thousand pound. Didst perceive?
HAMLET
Oh, Horatio. I'd wager a grand dollars the ghost spoke the truth. Did y'all come across?
HORATIO
Very well, my lord.
HORATIO
Very well, my lord.
HAMLET
Upon the talk of the poisoning?
Village
When the actors mentioned the poison?
HORATIO
I did very well notation him.
HORATIO
I watched him closely.
HAMLET
Ah ha! Come, some music! Come, the recorders! For if the king like not the comedy, Why and so, belike, he likes information technology non, perdy. Come up, some music!
Village
Aha! Hey, some music delight! Play your flutes! For if the rex does not like the play, and then, that's it—he does not like it, I say. Come on now, music!
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter.
GUILDENSTERN
Good my lord, vouchsafe me a give-and-take with yous.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, might I have a word with you lot?
HAMLET
Sir, a whole history.
HAMLET
You can have a whole story.
GUILDENSTERN
The male monarch, sir—
GUILDENSTERN
The king, sir—
Hamlet
Ay, sir, what of him?
Hamlet
Yep, what about him?
GUILDENSTERN
Is in his retirement marvelous distempered.
GUILDENSTERN
He's in his chambers now, and very upset.
HAMLET
He has an upset tum from drinking too much?
GUILDENSTERN
No, my lord, with choler.
GUILDENSTERN
No, my lord, he's angry.
Village
Your wisdom should testify itself more than richer to signify this to the doctor. For, for me to put him to his purgation would perhaps plunge him into far more than choler.
Hamlet
You'd be a lot smarter if you told this to a md. If I were to treat him, he would merely finish up angrier.
GUILDENSTERN
Good my lord, put your discourse into some frame and get-go not then wildly from my matter.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, please try to brand sense and non to veer on such wild tangents from the signal of my question.
HAMLET
I am tame, sir. Pronounce.
HAMLET
I'll behave, sir. Speak.
GUILDENSTERN
The queen your mother, in most corking affliction of spirit, hath sent me to you.
GUILDENSTERN
The queen your mother, who is extremely unhappy, has sent me to you.
Village
Yous are very welcome here.
GUILDENSTERN
Nay, proficient my lord, this courtesy is not of the right breed. If it shall delight you to make me a wholesome reply, I will practice your mother'due south commandment. If non, your pardon and my render shall be the end of my business.
GUILDENSTERN
No, my lord, your polite words don't make whatever sense in this state of affairs. If you'd exist and then kind as to give me a existent answer, I'll bear out your female parent's request. If not, I'll say goodbye and that'll be the end of my business organisation.
GUILDENSTERN
What, my lord?
GUILDENSTERN
Tin can't what, my lord?
HAMLET
Make you a wholesome reply. My wit'south diseased. But, sir, such reply as I tin brand, you shall command. Or, rather, as you lot say, my female parent. Therefore no more than but to the matter. My female parent, you lot say—
HAMLET
Give you a real answer. My mind is not right. But I'll try to give the all-time answer I tin to yous—or rather, to my mother. Therefore, let's go to the signal. My mother, you lot say—
ROSENCRANTZ
Then thus she says: your behavior hath struck her into anaesthesia and admiration.
ROSENCRANTZ
She says that your beliefs has shocked astonished her.
Village
O wonderful son that can and then 'stonish a mother! Only is there no sequel at the heels of this female parent's admiration? Impart.
HAMLET
Oh, what a wonderful son I am to be able to impress my female parent! Just what are the details of my mother's admiration? Explain.
ROSENCRANTZ
She desires to speak with you in her closet ere you lot go to bed.
ROSENCRANTZ
She wants to speak with you in her chamber earlier yous become to bed.
HAMLET
We shall obey, were she ten times our female parent. Have yous any further trade with united states?
HAMLET
I volition obey, equally if she were 10 times my female parent. Have you whatsoever other business with me?
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, yous in one case did love me.
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, you once liked me.
Hamlet
And do still, by these pickers and stealers.
Hamlet
And I still do, I swear by my easily.
ROSENCRANTZ
Skillful my lord, what is your cause of distemper? You exercise surely bar the door upon your own freedom if you deny your griefs to your friend.
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, what's the cause of your acrimony? You're locking yourself into a prison house by refusing to reveal your problems to your friends.
HAMLET
Sir, I lack advancement.
Hamlet
Sir, I accept no future prospects.
ROSENCRANTZ
How can that be, when you accept the vox of the male monarch himself for your succession in Denmark?
ROSENCRANTZ
How tin that be, when the king himself has proclaimed yous the heir to the Danish throne?
The PLAYERS enter with recorders.
Hamlet
Ay, sir, but "While the grass grows—" The proverb is something musty—Oh, the recorders! Let me meet one. [takes a recorder] [aside to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN] To withdraw with you, why do y'all get virtually to recover the wind of me every bit if you would drive me into a toil?
Hamlet
Yes, just as the maxim goes, "While the grass grows…" Though that is an onetime, stale proverb. Oh, the recorders! Let me see 1. [He takes a recorder]
[To ROSENKRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN so that only they can hear] Stride dorsum. Why are you moving around me, as if to ambush me into a trap?
GUILDENSTERN
O my lord, if my duty exist likewise assuming, my love is too unmannerly.
GUILDENSTERN
Oh, my lord, if I'm being too bold, it's only considering I care almost you too much to bear witness adept manners.
Hamlet
I do not well sympathise that. Will you play upon this pipe?
Hamlet
I don't understand y'all. Volition you play this recorder?
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, I cannot.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, I can't.
GUILDENSTERN
Believe me, I cannot.
GUILDENSTERN
Believe me, I tin't.
GUILDENSTERN
I know no touch on of information technology, my lord.
GUILDENSTERN
I don't know how, my lord.
Hamlet
It is equally easy every bit lying. Govern these ventages with your fingers and thumb, give it breath with your mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music. Wait you, these are the stops.
HAMLET
It'due south equally easy every bit lying. Cover these holes with your fingers and thumb and blow into it, and information technology will produce the most beautiful music. See, hither are the holes.
GUILDENSTERN
Only these cannot I command to any utterance of harmony. I have not the skill.
GUILDENSTERN
But I can't play any kind of vocal or melody. I don't have the skill.
HAMLET
Why, look yous now, how unworthy a thing you brand of me! You would play upon me. You lot would seem to know my stops. You would pluck out the heart of my mystery. Y'all would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass. And in that location is much music, excellent voice, in this little organ, however cannot you brand information technology speak? 'Sblood, do you think I am easier to exist played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument y'all volition, though you lot can fret me, even so yous cannot play upon me.
HAMLET
Well, look at that, how you lot treat me similar such a fool. You continue trying to play me—as if you knew exactly where to put your fingers—to tease out my mystery—playing the full calibration of all my notes. There is so much music in this little musical instrument, and yet y'all can't make it speak? By God, practise y'all call up I'1000 easier to play than a recorder? Call me whatever instrument you lot want—even though you endeavor to push my buttons, y'all can't play me.
HAMLET
God bless you lot, sir.
HAMLET
God bless you, sir.
POLONIUS
My lord, the queen would speak with yous, and presently.
POLONIUS
My lord, the queen would similar to speak with you right abroad.
HAMLET
Do you encounter yonder cloud that'due south virtually in shape of a camel?
HAMLET
Do y'all see the deject over there that looks near like a camel?
POLONIUS
Past th' mass, and 'tis similar a camel indeed.
POLONIUS
Past God, information technology does wait like a camel.
Hamlet
Methinks information technology is like a weasel.
HAMLET
To me it looks like a weasel.
POLONIUS
It is backed like a weasel.
POLONIUS
Its back is like a weasel'southward.
POLONIUS
Very like a whale.
POLONIUS
Very much like a whale.
Village
And then I will come to my mother by and past. [aside] They fool me to the acme of my bent.—I will come by and past.
Village
I'll come to see my female parent soon.
[To himself] They're trying to play me as a fool, and now I'yard almost to my breaking point
[To POLONIUS] I'll come before long.
POLONIUS
I'll tell her that.
HAMLET
"By and by" is hands said.
HAMLET
It'due south easy enough to say "soon."
Village
Leave me, friends.
HAMLET
Leave me alone, my friends.
Everyone except HAMLET exits.
HAMLET
'Tis now the very witching time of night, When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out Contagion to this world. Now could I drink hot blood And do such bitter business organisation as the bitter day Would quake to look on. Soft, now to my mother.— O heart, lose non thy nature, allow not e'er The soul of Nero enter this house bosom. Let me be roughshod, non unnatural. I will speak daggers to her but utilise none. My natural language and soul in this be hypocrites. How in my words somever she be shent, To give them seals never, my soul, consent!
HAMLET
It's now the fourth dimension of night when witches roam, when graveyards open and the stench of hell breathes sickness into the world. Now I could drinkable hot blood and do things so terrible it would brand people tremble the next twenty-four hour period. Only wait, I must now go to encounter my mother. Oh, my heart, practice not lose your humanity, don't let yourself get similar Nero . Permit me be cruel, merely not inhuman. I'll speak to her equally sharply equally a dagger, but not utilize a dagger. Though my words will condemn her to hell, my soul must never make that condemnation into reality by letting me kill her.
Source: https://www.litcharts.com/shakescleare/shakespeare-translations/hamlet/act-3-scene-2
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